People:
1) If you throw up and collapse in public strangers will help you.
2) Some friends will bring you food, take care of your animals, and put a trash can next to the couch for you to throw up in.
3) Some friends yell at you, telling you that you are in denial. That you don’t have the flu, but you actually had a heart attack, and insist you go to a hospital. (And you almost agree to go with them just to get them to shut up,)
4) Some booking agents get a little snippy when you call to tell them you are sick and they will have to find someone else to cover the job.
Cats:
The cat that you rescued at two weeks old, that you fed and POTTIED, the one that you have pampered for thirteen years, never once comes by to see how you are, but rather lounges near his food bowl glaring at you as you stagger by, whimpering, on the way to the bathroom. . . . YET, the calico, with the attitude, the one you never wanted, but took in because your ex was going to put this old deaf cat with no teeth and kidney failure back in a shelter, curls up next to you, asking for nothing, and stays with you for the entire five days that you are flat on your back.
Life:
1) A twenty one year old Mitsubishi TV will still work even after it has been on for four days straight.
2) The world will still go on without e-mail.
3) I will never take solid food for granted again.
4) If you fall asleep with the rabbit’s cage door open he will chew all the buttons off your fancy smancy $250 HP multi-function printer/copier/scanner.
5) I had a better week than Peter Graves and Fess Parker.
Not having Cable:
1) We need to clone Judge Judy.
2) We need to clone Dr. Phil.
3) We should never even consider cloning Oprah.
4) “When you hang a man you better look at him.”
5) I know the way west.
6) “If you are going to shoot, shoot, don’t talk.”
7) I really really hate college basketball.
8) Roseanne still makes me laugh.
8) Kate Jackson is no longer my favorite Angel.
10) Just because you get famous, live in California, and find a gorgeous girlfriend, doesn’t mean you can find a good hairdresser, huh, Ellen.
11) You can have your adult pampers delivered to your home in an unmarked box.
12) There is a pill for plaque build up in your heart, cholesterol, diarrhea, constipation, to get a man up, to get a woman up, depression, incontinence, plus many other things that I never thought I had but now thinking maybe I do. Even if you aren’t sure what is wrong, but you have “pain”, there is a pill for that, because unexplained “pain” is a sure sign of Fibromialgia.
13) If you get side effects from any pill there are a bevy of lawyers that will sue.
14) Did I mention that I really really hate college basketball?
God:
When you ask, “Just kill me now”, it doesn’t work.
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